"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can cambered world. In fact, the only thing that ever has. "Margaret Mead
The problem of bullying or better known by its English meaning "bullying" has increased in recent years so rapidly in different parts of the world, leading many students to live in desperate situations that exceed their ability to cope and in extreme cases, have led to suicide. In Peru, about 50% of schoolchildren from public and private schools have been victims of "bullying" according to a study by specialists at the Universidad Nacional Mayor de San Marcos.
This situation has meant that schools, families and civil society begin to take a more active role and begin to develop new strategies that can be implemented efficiently in different context where students perform.
What is the "bullying"?
The "bullying" is a physical and emotional abuse and intimidation of another person, which occurs systematically, repeatedly and without apparent reason by one more students for a long period of time. Experts say that to identify it, there clearly defined features among which are:
1. Discussion: The intent is to hurt someone.
2. Repeat: They usually attack the same victim in an iterative way in time.
3. Imbalance of Power: selects a victim who is perceived as vulnerable. The bully usually have more "power" creating desequilibro.La person or persons exercising bullying do so with the intention to impose its power over the other, through gossip, constant threats, verbal attacks, physical attacks and today Add to this, the use of the Internet as a means of intimidation anonymously through social networks.
The consequences for both the victim and the aggressor. In this case the victim begins to experience a range of emotional disorders such as anxiety, mood changes, psychosomatic problems, loss of interest in school, depression, fears, and in extreme cases suicide. On the other hand, the aggressor may be involved in different types of criminal behavior or have difficulty living together, since it has not learned appropriate ways to interact with their environment.
Who is involved?
In the bullying we see that there are three main participants:
The aggressor: These are usually physically stronger, impulsive and dominant and little capacity for empathy. They can harass intellectually, organizing and manipulating others to fulfill their orders or expressing antisocial behavior directly intimidating the victim.
The victim: They tend to share similar body characteristics which are: shyness, low self-confidence, anxiety, social withdrawal, difficulty in relationships, therefore, few friends, submission, sometimes short, less strength or difficulties in coordination and excessive dependence on adults.
Spectators: Spectators are part of the problem by keeping the abuse through indifference, laughter or make comments that encourage the aggressor. Most spectators, passively accept bullying, on the one hand, giving the attacker the audience you want and quietly accepting their behavior, on the other hand, starting to become numb to the daily aggressions and do nothing in situations of injustice .
What to do?
Knowing how and when to intervene requires effective strategies and practices that are based on mutual respect and the teaching of cognitive skills, social and emotional to deal with the problems. Here are some tips from Positive Discipline:
In the family:
- Establish communication links respectful. A good way is to implement family meetings where each member has the opportunity to be annealed as important and can express their needs.
- Understand the importance of setting limits with kindness and firmness.
- Understanding how our actions directly affect the behavior of children and how constantly we are modeling behaviors.
- Teaching children skills to deal with inter-and intrapersonal problems, uncomfortable situations and peer pressure.
- Giving our children the opportunity for them to feel capable and use that power constructively and purposefully.
- Create an environment where mutual respect and breathing are taught new ways of behaving in the family. This respect is not only among peers but also between and with all persons involved.
- Take a step back and look beyond the behavior, see the belief that the underlying behavior and understand the different faces of bullying.
In the School:
Since the bullying occurs in most cases in the area of the classroom, the teacher becomes the agent of change par excellence, which has the task of preventing, treating and stop bullying situations. Therefore, from the classroom can:
- Promote a positive school climate and respectful. This is between adults, children and youth, which implement a culture of trust and social justice.
- Implement the class meetings, where we learn skills for healthy living, respect for the rights (own and others) and joint problem solving.
- Encourage cooperation. A climate of cooperation versus competition ensures a better treatment for the couple.
- Build an emotional connection before correction: Positive discipline applied to schools has shown that students who have a sense of connection and belonging to school and are treated with greater respect for their teachers and feel that they truly care about them are less prone to this type of behavior.
- Promote social equity, ie a school environment where everyone deserves the same treatment.
- Provide spaces that teach a sense of community versus individual interest. This is accomplished through cooperative learning, where everyone works for a common task.
- Implement anti-bullying prevention.
- Working together family and school.
Finally, it is important to note that any type of intervention is most effective when adults understand the magnitude of the problem and we stress upon the key is mutual respect. That is, we can not ask children to change, to be more respectful if we are not with them. We must be aware of the important role we have in the lives of our children as models of behavior. Tratémoslos with respect and they return it to the world.
When the Children have the Control
One of the common problems seen in today's families, are the parents who admit to having difficulty in setting limits for their children. The fact is that most parents of this generation do not identify with an education based on authoritarianism, however, the majority, for fear of not being those parents, end up falling on the other end: the "permissiveness". But what, seeing that this style of discipline does not work, begin to be authoritarian, then comes the guilt and return to be permissive, creating instability in children who end up doing what they think best.
Permissive parenting means raising children with no limits, which implies lack of respect for ourselves, freedom without order, give them unlimited options and therefore teach them everything they want is absolutely valid, even if it means harming others.
On the other hand, authoritarian parenting means having too much control over our children, no freedom to make decisions and lack of respect for them, in short "now do this because I command."
Reach a middle ground where they can set limits with kindness, is to educate with dignity and respect, seeking cooperation of our children and developing in them valuable life skills without being excessive or extreme decisions.
How do we do?
Keep in mind that while crushing authoritarianism, permissiveness and over-choke. Children need to realize that we are at the forefront of their lives as leaders capable of holding them when they can not contain and guide them as they do not know where to go. Only a firm, consistent respectful allowed to rely on our ability and in their own ability. Here are some suggestions from positive discipline that could help us be firm and kind at the same time:
- Instead of giving orders, ask questions that invite reflection, Jane Nelsen calls this "curious questions" (what do you think about ...? ... What do you feel, and what you decide ...?).
- Speaks less and acts more. Come and show your child what to do, instead of saying "1000 times the same" from afar, waiting for "obey" quickly.
- Practice active listening. Stop talking about a moment and listen to the words and the message behind the words.
- Create routines and then remind him what had been agreed. Eg Your child gets up from the table to finish eating and go straight to play, then I can remember "what do we have to do after dinner?"
- Give limited options, this will give them the feeling of not having to obey everything to the letter and have the option to choose.
- Decide what you will and be consistent. I'll play with you, just finished homework.
- Practice self-control. When we entered the power struggle we want to control everything, but the more drivers want to be, we become more UNCONTROLLED. The first person we have to control it ourselves.
- Agree. Both parents have to deal with the same parenting style as to not create confusion in the children invited to seek "the most good."
- Involve your children in solving problems. This makes kids develop a sense of belonging, are motivated to take responsibility and are less likely to disobey.
Depression in Children
Fuente: Artículo escrito para la Revista Mamagazine, edición Diciembre. Source: Article written for Mamagazine Magazine, December issue. Ps. Ps. Gina Graham - Certified Positive Discipline Parenting & Classroom, Educator. Gina Graham - Certified Positive Discipline Parenting & Classroom, Educator.
Qué madre o padre no ha pasado por aquellos momentos donde los hijos se quejan de todo, se enojan, no quieren jugar con nadie o se desconcentran fácilmente a la hora de estudiar. What parent has not gone through those times when the children complain about everything, get angry, will not play with anyone or are decentralized easily when studying. Los notamos un poco “tristes” pero al día siguiente o al cabo de unos días, esa tristeza desaparece. The noticed a little "sad" but the next day or after a few days, that sadness disappears.
Y es que, es casi seguro que muchos niños alguna vez en su vida han han tenido un episodio de tristeza, sin embargo, cuando esa conducta o estado anímico persiste por varias semanas, aunado a otros síntomas como disminución de la vitalidad, alteraciones en el sueño y la alimentación, podemos estar frente a un trastorno: la And, it is almost certain that many children sometime in their life have been had an episode of sadness, however, when the behavior or mood persists for several weeks, coupled with other symptoms such as lowered vitality, abnormal sleeping and eating, we can be dealing with a disorder: childhood depression.
Hasta hace poco, no se sabía mucho del tema, es más, no se admitía la existencia de la depresión infantil, pero hoy en día se sabe que sí existe y además tiene síntomas comunes a la depresión en los adultos, pero con manifestaciones diferentes que pueden ser observadas a través de la conducta. Until recently, nobody knew much about it, indeed, did not admit the existence of childhood depression, but today we know that it exists and also has common symptoms of depression in adults, but with different manifestations can be observed through behavior.
Los factores que desencadenan la depresión son complicados y normalmente varían de un niño a otro, siendo algunos de ellos, los factores biológicos y genéticos, los ambientales y los psicológicos; generalmente, el origen de la depresión incluye una combinación de todos estos factores que actúan de manera simultánea. The factors that trigger depression are usually complicated and vary from child to child, and some of them, the biological and genetic factors, environmental and psychological, generally, the origin of depression includes a combination of these factors acting simultaneously.
Según los expertos, la depresión es causada por un desequilibrio en determinados neurotrasmisores del cerebro (por una reducción en los niveles de serotonina, norepinefrina y dopamina). Experts say that depression is caused by an imbalance of certain neurotransmitters in the brain (by a reduction in the levels of serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine). Sin embargo, es posible que este desequilibrio sea motivado a la vez por factores ambientales, es decir, determinados acontecimientos en la vida del niño, que sobrepasaron los sus propios recursos de afrontamiento: (Ej. Divorcio de los padres, pérdida de una mascota, fracaso escolar, rechazo de los amigos, muerte de un familiar, una enfermedad, etc.). However, this imbalance may be driven both by environmental factors, ie certain events in the child's life, which exceeded their own coping resources (eg, divorce of parents, loss of a pet, school failure, rejection by friends, death of family, sickness, etc..).
Ente algunos de los síntomas observables que pueden alertar a la familia, para intervenir a tiempo, tenemos: la tristeza, irritabilidad, anhedonia (pérdida del placer),sentimiento de culpa, lloran con facilidad, falta del sentido del humor, sentimiento de no ser querido, baja autoestima, asilamiento, cambios en el sueño, pérdida de apetito, hiperactividad, pensamientos suicidas que pueden develarse el frases tales como “estarían estuvieran sin mi” “mejor no hubiera nacido” etc. Ente some observable symptoms that can alert the family to intervene in time, we have: sadness, irritability, anhedonia (loss of pleasure), guilt, cry easily, lack of sense of humor, sense of not being loved, low self esteem, isolation, sleep changes, loss of appetite, hyperactivity, suicidal thoughts may be revealed that the phrases such as "would be were without me" "better never been born" and so on.
Si sospecha que su hijo puede estar presentando alguno o varios de los síntomas mencionados, no ignore los síntomas, por el contrario, dedíquele un tiempo especial, creando un ambiente cercano y de confianza. If you suspect your child may be having one or more of these symptoms, do not ignore symptoms, however, spend a special time, creating a close and trusted.
Esté atento a los mensajes detrás de la conducta, es decir, si lo escucha decir constantemente “no sirvo para nada”, “soy un tonto” etc,, sea curioso y hágale preguntas sobre sus sentimientos y pensamientos. Watch the messages behind the behavior, that is, if you constantly hear people say "I'm no good," "a fool" etc., be curious and ask questions about their feelings and thoughts.
Ayúdelo a disfrutar de las cosas que le brinda la vida; programe salidas, muéstrese de buen humor, etc. Help him enjoy the things that gives life, program outputs, show a good mood, and so on. Los niños con depresión, tienen una percepción sesgada de la realidad donde todo lo ven de la misma manera, por lo tanto nada les parece divertido. Children with depression, have a skewed perception of reality where everything look the same way, so nothing seems funny.
Frente a la mala conducta sea firme y amable al mismo tiempo. Faced with the misconduct is firm and kind at the same time. Antes de corregir, conéctese emocionalmente con su hijo, muéstrele abiertamente su cariño con palabras y acciones. Before editing, connect emotionally with your child openly show affection in words and actions.
Motívelo sin adularlo. Encourage her not flatter. Ayúdelo a fijarse metas realistas y anime constantemente sus pequeños pasos y grandes progresos. Help her set realistic goals and constantly encourage small steps and strides.
Evite etiquetarlo con mensajes absolutistas como: "eres un malcriado", "nunca me haces caso, en vez de eso hágale preguntas que inviten a la solución de problemas “Qué” y “Cómo”, "¿Qué podrías hacer para...? Avoid absolutist label with messages like "you're a brat," "never listen to me, instead ask questions that invite problem solving" what "and" How "," What could you do to ...? ¿Cómo harías…? How would you ...? ¿y qué más?", converse con él, rebata sus ideas y creencias irracionales. What else? ", Talk to him, refute their ideas and irrational beliefs.
Y por último, busque ayuda y apoyo profesional de inmediato. And finally, seek professional help and support immediately. Un diagnóstico temprano puede marcar la diferencia en el tratamiento y curso de la enfermedad. Early diagnosis can make a difference in treatment and disease course.
Siempre es bueno recordar la importancia de la familia en la vida del ser humano, mucho más en el caso de los niños y adolescentes, es por ello que debemos PREVENIR. It is always good to remember the importance of family in human life, much more in the case of children and adolescents is why we must prevent. ¿Cómo? How? Pues desarrollando en nuestros hijos factores protectores que los ayuden a sobrellevar situaciones difíciles en la vida, afrontar problemas y manejar de manera adecuada las frustraciones. As our children develop protective factors that help them cope with difficult situations in life, facing problems and properly handle frustrations. Es decir, propiciar un clima de confianza a través de una disciplina positiva que estimule la comunicación, respeto mutuo y amor entre sus miembros. That is, fostering a climate of trust through positive discipline that encourages communication, mutual respect and love among its members.
Temperament, Character and Personality
Fuente: Artículo escrito para la revista Mamagazine para la edición Diciembre 2011. Source: Article written for the Mamagazine for editing in December 2011.
Ever wonder how it builds up the personality of our children? Do parents we can influence to shape his character? What makes our children have different temperaments?
Sabemos por experiencia, que no existe en el mundo dos personas iguales, nuestra personalidad, temperamento y carácter difieren de una a otra persona, incluso, en el caso de hermanos que forman parte de una misma familia, que han compartido el mismo techo y han sido criados bajo los mismos parámetros y valores son radicalmente diferentes. We know from experience that does not exist in the world two people are alike, our personality, temperament and character differ from person to person, even in the case of brothers who are part of the same family, who shared the same roof and have been raised under the same parameters and values are radically different. Se ha preguntado por qué. Ever wonder why.
Estos tres términos, temperamento, carácter y personalidad son confundidos constantemente como si fueran sinónimos, sin embargo el significado es diferente. These three terms, temperament, character and personality are constantly confused as synonyms, but the meaning is different. El temperamento, está vinculado estrechamente a lo biológico, es decir a la carga genética heredada por nuestros padres y condicionará de cierto modo, la forma cómo reaccionamos al ambiente. Temperament is closely linked to biology, ie the genetic inherited from our parents and condition in a way, the way we react to the environment. El carácter, por otro lado, es el conjunto de hábitos de comportamiento que hemos ido adquiriendo a lo largo de nuestra vida, condicionados por el aprendizaje. The character, moreover, is the set of habits of behavior that we have acquired throughout our life, conditioned by learning. La combinación e intensidad de estos dos elementos forman nuestra personalidad, de allí que cada persona sea única e irrepetible. The combination and intensity of these two elements make up our personality, hence each person unique and unrepeatable.
Sin embargo, a pesar de la importancia que se le da a la carga genética en el comportamiento, el tipo de relaciones que un niño establezca en su entorno, será crucial en el desarrollo de su personalidad. However, despite the importance given to the genetics of behavior, the type of relationships that a child set in your environment will be crucial in the development of his personality. Esto quiere decir que su comportamiento está condicionado por el ambiente y que este pueda satisfacer sus necesidades primarias de pertenencia y seguridad. This means that their behavior is conditioned by the environment and that it can meet their basic needs of belonging and security.
En decir, los factores genéticos son importantes, pero no determinantes. In other words, genetic factors are important but not decisive. Si bien, a pesar de los avances de la ciencia, hasta la fecha no podemos “elegir” el tipo de temperamento que quisiéramos que tenga nuestro hijo, sin embargo, sí podemos influir en su carácter ¿Cómo? Although, despite the advances of science, to date we can not "choose" the kind of temperament we wanted to have our son, however, we can influence how your character? pues realizando cambios en nosotros mismos y creando un ambiente saludable para que nuestro hijo pueda desarrollar al máximo sus potencialidades y pueda desarrollar una personalidad sana y estable. for making changes in ourselves and creating a healthy environment for our child to develop their full potential and can develop a healthy and stable personality.
Para ello, la clave está en el tipo de crianza que le brinde a su hijo, basada en el respeto mutuo, en la igualdad de trato y desarrollando un sentido de pertenencia e importancia, para lograrlo le recomendamos: To do this, the key is to foster the kind that gives your child, based on mutual respect, equal treatment and developing a sense of belonging and significance, to do we recommend:
- Establece una con sus hijos, donde puedan experimentar emociones positivas de manera mutua. Establish a cordial relationship with their children where they can experience positive emotions such mutual.
- Sólo así se sentirán y se comportarán mejor. Treat your children with dignity and respect. Only way to feel and behave better.
- Tus hijos aprenderán cómo escuchar con empatía, poniéndose en los zapatos del otro, si es que le brindas el modelo adecuado para saber cómo hacerlo. Listen to them. Your children will learn how to listen with empathy, putting in another's shoes, if you bring the right model for how to do.
- . Avoid labeling. La conducta no define la personalidad de tu hijo, por lo tanto NO ES “desobediente”, “desordenado” “angelito” etc. The behavior does not define the personality of your child, therefore NOT "disobedient", "messy" "angel" and so on.
- En vez de dar órdenes, que inviten a la reflexión ¿Qué piensas respecto a? Instead of giving orders, ask questions that invite reflection about what do you think? ¿Cómo vas a solucionarlo? How can you fix it? Etc. Etc.
- Dale , esto les dará la sensación de que no tienen que obedecer todo a rajatabla y están más dispuestos a colaborar. Give limited options, this will give them the feeling that there must strictly observe all and are more willing to cooperate.
- Si quieres que tu hijo tenga una personalidad controlada, tu misma el . If you want your child to have a controlled personality, practice your own self-control.
- Involucra a tus hijos en las soluciones. Involve your children in the solutions. Esto les dará ese ansiado sentido de pertenencia y los motivará a asumir sus responsabilidades. This will give you that coveted sense of belonging and encourage them to assume their responsibilities.
- Enséñales ae de una sin perjudicar a los demás. Teach ae xpresar emotions in an assertive manner without hurting others.
- No te olvides darles el a tus hijos. Do not forget to give them the message of love to your children. El algunas ocasiones, estamos tan metidos en nuestros problemas que nos olvidamos de recordarles a nuestros hijos cuánto los amamos. On some occasions, we are so involved in our problems that we forget to remind our children how much we love them.
- en lugar de darles recompensas, premio o elogios desmedidos. Encourage them instead of giving them rewards, reward or praise pointless. Animarlos los lleva a la autoconfianza, mientras que los elogios y recompensas los hace dependientes y adictos a la aprobación. Leads to encourage self-confidence, while the praise and rewards makes them dependent and addicted to approval.
- Embrace them
- cantidad de tiempo y tiempo de calidad. Dedícales amount of time and quality time.
- Por último, co . Finally, co mprende the true meaning of parenting and discipline. La disciplina no es sinónimo de castigo, la disciplina es educar, por lo tanto, evita , pensado antes en sus consecuencias a largo plazo: resentimiento, revancha, revendía y retraimiento. Discipline is not synonymous with punishment, discipline is to educate, therefore, avoid punishment, thought of before in its long-term resentment, revenge, reselling and withdrawal. Es eso lo que quieres? Is that what you want?
En conclusión, las bases adecuadas para el desarrollo de una personalidad sana y porque no feliz, no solo depende de la carga genética con la que viene el ser humano, sino también de las personas que lo rodean, la calidad de interacciones y relaciones afectivas que éste establezca en los diferentes contextos donde interactúa, y en el caso de los niños específicamente, también depende del tipo de crianza que practiquen sus padres. In conclusion, the proper foundation for the development of a healthy personality and happy because not only depends on the genetic load that comes with humans, but also the people around you, the quality of interactions and relationships that may prescribe in the different contexts in which it interacts, and in the case of children specifically, it also depends on the type of parenting practice their parents.
Power struggles Who is Victoria?
Here's me who's boss!
I told you to do it!
Obey!
Go to bed now!
Silence!
Do it now!
For there to be a power struggle need at least two people and definitely these phrases invite our children to originate one.
Many times, so that our children obey, or fear of losing authority over them have fallen in this struggle. When it occurs, both children and parents have the "feel" of being made a futile effort, they feel they are losing control (in fact are) but each refuses to abandon "the fight" because they do not want to lose, but the result is that somehow, none has the victory, lose patience, then we feel guilty and end up punishing and we know what is the consequence of punishment on our children.
HOW TO AVOID THE POWER STRUGGLES
Do not control our emotions, hurtful words and punishment as a solution make room for power struggles with our children.
The behavior of children is goal-directed, but the path taken is not necessarily more correct, in this sense, when we go into a power struggle, seek the goal of our children and try to teach a more appropriate where both win-win. To avoid them, we could try:
1. Instead of giving orders, ask questions that invite reflection, Jane Nelsen calls this "curious questions" (what do you think about ...? What do you feel ...?, What you decide ...?). So instead of saying, sort your room, we might say, what can you do to make your room look clean and tidy?
2. Speaks less and acts more. Come and show your child what to do, instead of saying "1000 times the same" from afar, waiting for "obey" quickly.
3. Create routines and then remind him what had been agreed. Ahem. Your child gets up from the table to finish eating and go straight to play, then we can remember "what do we have to do after dinner?"
4. Jane Nelsen we recommend having a POSITIVE TIME OUT act to calm and thinking about what we do and say, avoiding power struggles.
5. Give limited options, this will give them the feeling of not having to obey everything to the letter and have the option to choose.
6. Practice self-control. When we entered the power struggle we want to control everything, but the more drivers want to be, we become more UNCONTROLLED. The first person we have to control it ourselves.
7. Use humor. Sometimes the best solution in times of crisis and also serves to stop the power struggle.
8. Agree. Both parents have to deal with the same parenting style as to not create confusion in the children invited to seek "the most good." Remember that both permissive and authoritarian style invites the power struggle, opt for positive discipline.
9. Involve your children in solving problems. This makes the kids have a sense of belonging, are motivated to take responsibility and are less likely to disobey.
10. Be consistent and congruent with what you say and do.
11. It expresses what I feel giving messages to avoid blaming the other for what is happening internally in you "I'm super tired, work with it to rest rest ¨, this sounds better and is better accepted instead of" I am being angry, obey once, or else ... "
12. It is firm and kind at the same time. Your expression and tone of voice indicating respect for your child. A child is treated respectfully is more collaborative.
13. Do not forget to ALWAYS GIVE YOUR MESSAGE OF LOVE. Sometimes we are so involved in the power struggle that we forget to remember how much we love our children.
14. Rather than blame FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS.
Positive Discipline teaches us that power struggles "create distance and hostility rather than closeness and trust. The distance and hostility create resentment, resistance and rebellion (conformity with low self esteem). However the closeness and trust create a safe environment of trust where there is no fear, no guilt, shame or pain "
You do not want Mom!
Source: Article written for the magazine November 2011 edition Mamagazine Gina Graham
Psychologist - Psychotherapist for children and adolescents
Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator & Classroom
…nos partió el corazón, nos deja heladas, reaccionamos… luego, a solas, empezamos a cuestionar nuestra labor como madres “¿qué hice mal?” “¿Por qué me odia?” “¿Cómo puede tratarme así después de todo lo que hago por él?” y lo peor de todo, cuando estamos en medio de nuestro mar de confusiones, cuestionamientos y sufrimiento, nuestro hijo regresa hablando de otro tema, como si nada hubiera pasado. ... We broke the hearts, leaves us cold, we react ... then, alone, began to question our role as mothers, "What did I do wrong?" "Why do you hate me?" "How can you treat me like that after all that do for him? "and worst of all, when we are in our sea of confusion, doubts and suffering, our son back talking about another subject, as if nothing had happened. ¿Acaso este chico no tiene corazón?. Does this guy has no heart?. La respuesta es sencilla, mientras nosotras nos tomamos de manera textual y personal una frase salida en un momento de cólera, nuestros hijos tienen la gran habilidad de sobreponerse rápidamente a este sentimiento. The answer is simple, while we we take in textual output and personal phrase in a moment of anger, our children have a great ability to quickly overcome this feeling.
Cuando nos tomamos las cosas de manera personal y pensamos que nuestros hijos nos están diciendo “te odio” porque realmente nos odian y por lo tanto están en nuestra contra, nos ubicamos en dos bando contrarios y por lo tanto nos defendemos. When we take things personally and think our children are telling us "I hate you" because they really hate us and are therefore against us, we are located on two opposite sides and therefore defend ourselves. Entramos en una especie de batalla, perdemos de vista nuestros metas a futuro y nos quedamos entrampados en el problemas tratando de demostrar quién tiene el poder. We went into a kind of battle, we lose sight of our future goals and we were trapped in problems trying to prove who has the power. Sentimientos tales como la frustración, el miedo y la cólera se apoderan de nosotras y reaccionamos con sermones, gritos o castigos que, lejos de mejorar la situación la empeoran. Feelings such as frustration, fear and anger take hold of us and we react with sermons, shouting or punishments that far from improving the situation worse.
What to do?
Dedicar un tiempo para pesar detenidamente en las cosas que hacemos o decimos para generar esas respuestas. Taking the time to weigh carefully in the things we do or say to generate these responses. Muchas veces las cosas que hacemos para calmar la situación, hacen que avivemos el conflicto, por eso, cuando sientas que estas muy enojada, procura hablar poco, no resuelvas los problemas en ese momento, por el contrario, posterga las consecuencias; frases como “más tarde hablaremos al respecto” ó “veo que estás enojado, cuando te sientas mejor hablamos” ayudan mucho. Many times the things we do to calm the situation, make avivemos the conflict, so when you feel that you are very angry, try to talk much, do not solve the problems at that time, however, postponed the consequences, phrases like " talk about it later "or" I see you're angry, when you feel better talking "very helpful.
Demostrar a nuestros hijos que . Show our children that are on your side. Esto lo hacemos cuando les enseñamos que tener cólera es un sentimiento normal, válido y aceptable, pero la forma cómo expresamos esa cólera marca la diferencia. This we do when we teach them to take anger is a normal feeling, valid and acceptable, but the way we express that anger makes a difference. Los niños aprenderán a que lo que sienten es natural, pero hay límites para expresarlo. Children will learn that what they feel is natural, but there are limits to express it.
Enseñarles lo que en disciplina positiva llamamos un El cual está basado en la idea de que las personas funcionamos mejor cuando estamos calmados y se nos trata con dignidad y respeto. Teach what they call a positive discipline, positive time out. Which is based on the idea that people function best when we are calm and we are treated with dignity and respect. Y parte del respeto es también aceptar sentimientos tales como la cólera y dar el tiempo suficiente para volver a la calma y poder enfrentar el problema de manera respetuosa para todos. And part of respect is also accepting feelings such as anger and given sufficient time to return to calm and to cope with the problem in a respectful manner for all.
Darnos y darles la oportunidad para pensar, recuperarse del error y disculparse, pero por propia voluntad y de manera sincera y no porque se lo pedimos u obligamos. And give us the opportunity to think, recover from the error and apologize, but willingly and sincerely and not because we ask or force them. En ese momento, les podemos decir que entendemos su enojo, pero lo que nos dijo nos lastima. At that time, we can say we understand your anger, but what hurts us told us. Nos sorprenderemos con sus respuestas! We surprise you with their answers!
No nos quedemos en la conducta solamente, busquemos cuál es la “mensaje” detrás de este TE ODIO, tal vez nos están diciendo que en este momento quieren estar solos o que se sienten frustrados porque las cosas no le salen como les gusta. Let us not only in behavior, look what the "message" I HATE YOU behind this, maybe we are saying that at this time want to be alone or who are frustrated because things do not go as they like. Recuerda, no es contigo, es con lo que sienten por la situación. Remember, it's not you, is what I feel for the situation.
Mostrar amor incondicional, los chicos necesitan saber que a pesar de cualquiera cosa que ellos hagan o digan, nuestro cariño hacia ellos no está en juego. Show unconditional love, the kids need to know that despite anything they say or do, our love for them is not at stake. Pero si gastamos tiempo con sermones y castigos, creen ustedes que ellos sentirán que estamos de su lado? But if we spend time with lectures and punishment, do you think they feel they are on your side? Mejor nos enfocamos en enseñarles habilidades para la vida, buscando cercanía y compresión. As we focus on teaching life skills, proximity searching and compression.
Recuerda que . Remember that "before searching for the reason, we must find the heart." Cuando desarrollamos la con nuestros hijos, antes que la corrección, ejercemos una gran influencia sobre ellos. When we develop the connection with our children, before correction, exert a great influence over them.
Parenting without prizes, or punishments
"If you just buy a food chocolate," "If you go passed the examination will buy you the toy you wanted so much" ... "Now you go to your room and think for hitting your brother," "A week without watching TV" ... and the list goes on ... I do not know how to make us ignore or to control their behavior. It is then that we turn to the prizes and punishments, total, and well educated us and educate us, even though deep down we know that that kind of discipline DOES NOT WORK.
SO WHAT ARE THE PRIZES OF EVIL?
Prizes There is nothing wrong if they are in competition to get something. But we can not reward him for eating, doing homework or arrange your room, these activities do not deserve a prize, but an acknowledgment if the activity warrants. If we give an award for this, we are saying, ¨ I give you such a thing in return ... ¨ is, there is an interest at stake and not necessarily a reflection on their behavior.
But what if he strove to achieve something? If so, praise him for his responsibility, effort, perseverance and will power. And here we separate the difference between reward (material) and cards (including non-material words, hugs, approval, etc..).
Now, I'm not saying not to give a gift to your children or who are against the gifts! Give them all the gifts (other than prize) you want, but not because they behave well or did what you wanted, give prior warning and enjoys his face with joy to receive. (Is not it wonderful to see our child excited or happy to receive an unexpected gift?) Here is the difference between gift and prize, the first is free, for nothing and the second is conditioned by something he did.
WHAT IF I DO NOT PUNISHMENT, AS disciplined?
The punishment should not be our last resort, simply SHOULD NOT BE WITHIN OUR RESOURCES DISCIPLINE. Before thinking of applying a punishment, we could think of its consequences. Here I quote again Jane Nelsen with 4Rs. of punishment:
- Resentment: "It is useless, I can not trust adults"
- Revenge "You win now, but after I win"
- Rebellion "I will do the opposite to prove that I have not got to do what you want"
- Withdrawal This generates two behaviors: Escape: "Next time they will not notice" and / or low self-esteem: "I am a bad person"
And within the types of punishment, we have the physical, which is the wrong way to educate, it leads to physical risk and emotional harm. And when I say I mean the physical punishment that it is simply smack physical violence.
Paste causes pain in the recipient and nothing absolutely nothing in the world justifies a person causes pain to another, much less an adult to a child, much less a father to his son, for in doing so is hurting not only your body but esteem and also generates a negative autoperceción about yourself: I'm stuck because I'm bad, because I want because I do not do things right. Remember: The loving smack NO.
IN CONCLUSION, IF WE EDUCATE BASED ON THE PRIZE AND PUNISHMENT:
- We teach our children that their behavior is conditioned by what happens outside of them, therefore, not responsible for their actions.
- Our son does not know what is right or wrong, parents are the ones who decide.
- Our children to behave well to receive the prize or to evade punishment.
- The adult controls the child's behavior and there is a process of reflection on his part to change behavior.
- With the prize bought the good conduct of our son.
- Threaten him with punishment for us to ignore.
- It is a short-term education, only to certain behavior or circumstance.
I ask you, would not it be better discipline LONG TERM? That is, to educate our children to acquire RESPONSIBILITY, SELF and SELF-DISCIPLINE.
So instead of rewarding or punishing, help them take better assess the consequences of their actions and reflect on what they could do instead, in this sense, "a mistake becomes a wonderful opportunity for learning" Here the learner to regulate their own behavior is the child.
We have to get us out of his head the crazy idea that discipline is the same as control. Discipline is to teach and children learn by what they see ... parents we become the leaders of our children, helping them make intelligent decisions about their behavior and take responsibility for their actions.
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